Heck, had you ever felt empty? Empty, like there’s a hole,
you consciously aware, that there is something missing in your life, but you
can’t describe it, it’s just bugging you.
I don’t know if there’s a scientific terms for this
condition, but fuck, it’s really bothering me sometimes. If you think a feeling
like this is something you called “loneliness”, I’m not 100% agree with you,
because I think loneliness will gone if you are with someone, but this shit,
even when you are with someone, it’s still there, like when you hang out with
your friends, or maybe having a time together with your relatives, even when
you doing stuff with your lovers.
I’m struggling with this shit for a quite sometimes now, like
this past 8 years. Other symptom of this feeling that I aware of, I think it
goes like this. You do some fun stuff, you felt the joy and the fun in it, but
it’s not linger for a long time, the fun and joy you felt only last for a day
at the most.
This thing sometimes affecting my mind, when the feeling
grew strong sometimes I can’t think clearly, like it’s affecting my decision making.
Other time it’s not affecting my mind, but my will to do something or my
spirits (honestly I really don’t know), it’s just make me uneasy with my
surroundings, like a paranoid person, or completely erased my will to do stuff,
so if I’m doing some works when the feeling struck it’s just completely shut me
down, I just deserting my work and completely become idle or quiet.
I tried to talk it to some of my friends, but it’s no use,
some of them says “you only need a break from what are you doing right now” or “you
need a vacation, go went somewhere nice, like a beach or go camping somewhere”.
I tried, really, but it’s doesn’t work.
My other friends suggesting that I maybe lack of something
to achieve, “make a short term resolution for yourself” or “set a goals for
yourself, and try to achieve it in shortest time possible”. Fuck, I do that
shit too, but it didn’t work.
And the one that bothering me the most, this feeling is affecting
my sleep cycle and sleep time. Most of my night is spent for thinking “heck
what’s wrong with me, what’s missing?”. It’s driving me crazy, and when I’m
tired after thinking about it, I just fell asleep. But the problem is when I’m
fell asleep because the exhaustion it’s usually around 4 or 5 a.m. in the
morning. It’s consuming me little by little.
Like this blog post, I’m doing this when the feeling is on a
full swing, that’s why I’m doing this blog post in English and the writing
quality is lousy.
Heck I’m confused, scared, empty, and uneasy at the same
time.