How many years it’s been? 10?
You know, sometimes the universe
works in a mysterious ways. I didn’t know that you exist in the first time, and
probably you too, didn’t know me exist at that time.
But as the time goes by, and I
don’t know why, the universe introducing me to you, at this moment I still
don’t know who the hell are you, and even until now, I still don’t know, by
what means you know me.
But eventually, universe send me
a message through my friend, a particular one, a close one, that saying
something very confusing to me, so at the end of the day, I’m trying to get to
know, who the hell are you. Surprise! A fucking gorgeous person you are.
I’m just thinking, fuck, what’s
wrong with you? Maybe your brain is having a short circuit, or maybe broken,
but I keep going, at that moment I just think “well, why not?”. That’s what I’m
wrong; I’m making a terrible decision, which I will regret in the rest of my
life.
Yes it’s not a something I can
proud to others. But, I just keep going, sure I through a lot of high and low
times, and a worst time too, a very worst one, catastrophic. I just let that go
and carry on, but I can’t deny that I still quite mad about that until this
day, even after I’m forgiving you.
Lives go on and separate us, in a
different path. I tried to cope the loss and try start something new with
others, some had been a great memory, some other ended with a bad blood, and
sometimes I do mistakes too, the one before the last is the worst, I neglect
her. Call me an asshole or jerk, I will take that gladly and I admitted that
I’m very wrong.
And after that, the universe
still didn’t give me a chance to cope with the loss, separating us even more,
distance, city, province, it’s annoying at the first time, because if I remember
correctly, I once told you “wait for me there, we have a same goals, wait me at
that city”. Destiny said “hey fuckers, look what I did to you, huehuehuehue”,
on the day of the announcement that screen said “Nope, not that city, another
one, much closer and smaller”. I gave up my hope at that moment.
I live my life there, enjoying
every moment and making memories in there, live my life step by step, miles by
miles, trying to erase the hope, but, sometimes alcohol make me realize, the
more I try to erase it, the more it torture me.
In my opinion, I barely found
someone who had a similar feature with you, in a personality, or in the flesh.
I’m trying my best in this little town, finding someone that can replace you,
but every time it failed miserably, some of my friends saying “no, you are not
ready to giving her up yet, her shadow still lingers in you, and you can’t deny
that you really loved her, by any means”.
No, I don’t want to admit that, I
can giving you up, I can leave you alone, and I will continued my journey
without you happily and peacefully.
Some of my friend in the past
saying “nah man, she’s bad for you”. Another time my friend said “just leave
her alone, cut off communicating with her, and blocked her”. Another one said
“can you just find a new one and accept the new one?”, but the more suggestion
I get from other, the more stubborn I’am.
If I remember correctly my time
with you is not very long, we spent most of our time in silence, in digital
world. But I cherish that memory, all the memories, a good one, a funny one, a
bad one, even the worst one. The way you talk, the way you refuse something
that I always asked you to do, the way you trying to persuade me to stopping my
very bad habit, the way you talk, the way you mad at me from something not so important,
the way you do a bad things, and the most important, your face and your smile.
Until now I realize something
“yes, I’m a person who can’t show any affection or be a romantic guy, I
preferred just staring at you in silence awkwardly, trying to guess your mind,
feeling, and read any tiny detail you gave about what you want, but damn, I
love that awkward silence, just silence there”.